Just because I am asian, it doesn’t mean I know any of martial arts. I like when people stereotyping asian. These are some of the lists:
- You know kung fu? (Yeah I wish)
- You love sushi! (Eh, it is alright..)
- You must be sooo smart (I have decent job from my degree, thank you)
- You massage really good huh? ( my ex said so, but I don’t do it for living)
- I don’t mind small boobs (before met - what the hell, he had no idea how uncomfortable I was growing up with bigger boobs than other asians)
That’s what I could think so far… Feel free to add more.
I don’t want to explain date #2 much simply because we met, he looks nice, good looking but there is not much of sparks. I kinda lost interest the first half hour of meeting, he was just dreaming about having a girlfriend and whenever he said a gf, he pointed at me.
He wanted me to go to his house and “hang out and watch movie”. Dude, I am not stupid, I know that term. So I said no….
He asked me out after we got out from coffee shop. I said I want to take it really slow. The next day he asked me out. I said I had plans. He said, “looking for a better one?”. I didn’t answer…
This guy is the one texting me a lot about how we should sleep together asap (look on previous post). He just totally sweet talk all the way, I thought oh my gosh I am not get used to with sweet talk like this. I am weak with this: sweet talk, affectionate person
It was 2 AM and we walked out of the club. We went inside to my car, we talked for a while. He asked for a kiss, shouldn’t he just go for it? We kissed and made out, the windshield got steamy. We talked more and kissed more. “I have to stop…”, I thought.
He asked me to drop him off since he walked to the club, I gladly dropped him off. He wanted me to come inside, I could have say yes but I like him so I don’t want this to be one night stand so I said we should hang out again. He agreed and we made out again for few minutes. I left.
The next few days he texted me non stop about how he can’t wait to see me naked, I said “maybe”. Then he kinda pissed and said, “it is yes or no, not maybe”. I said, ” I want to take this slow”. He didn’t answer my text.
The next day, I had this urge want to see him and just screw the hell out of my feeling. I need to release my tension, so I texted him and said I want him to come over to my house.
Shockingly, he wanted me to pick him up and go to my house. I asked why, his answer was: I have a roommate, I had DUI, and I don’t own a car. And apparently he is high on drugs!
BAMM!! I was just reading his text over and over. I refused to pick him up and moved on to the next guy.
Few days later, he texted me and said he is getting a car. I told him that I am super super attracted to you but I don’t see this for long term and I don’t want to mess around again. He got upset and never text me since…..
Friday morning, I was all excited that I will have a date / staycation with Leo. My kid is with grandma, I prepared everything since Wednesday, clean the house and all. I kept thinking I should cook something for him, I was going to get wine.
Until I sat down on my office, and I saw one email from him with subject: Changes.
I thought, darn he might can’t do it this week because he has been helping his mom’s house alot. I opened his email nervously…
Dear (…), - he doesn’t use my pet name anymore. He typed my real name and I knew something bad is happening.
Then he explained he regretfully said he had to cancel the date and stayover. He plainly told me he reconnected with his ex girlfriend for 4 years since Monday. They broke up 2 years ago and she moved out of state. This girl is planning to move back to this state and they feel they want to try this relationship one more try. He and her almost married and he believed that she is the love of his life. He wants to reserve his heart until she moves back here. Then he told me not to keep in touch with him, because it might complicated things (his feelings of course). He told me that I hope I could understand. He told me I am a great lady, he trully enjoyed our time we spent together and wish me all the best of course.
I was reading that in shock, oh his ex is moving back here so let’s just dump this girl. My whole day turned upside down. I blasted my music in the car to make the song louder than my thoughts.. I don’t want to think about it, I decided my revenge is by activate my PoF profile. See if that could help me to ease my mind. Within half hour, my inbox filled up. I have no idea if there is no girls out there that look appropriate (pof in this town usually just for hook ups so the girls profile dress up like I am ready to be on your bed now).
So anyway, I went to concert but didn’t enjoy it at all. We know how loud the concert music is, but I heard mumbled in my ears, his face and our memories flashed in my mind. The way he hugs me, he holds me and he nurtures me.
I got home yesterday still didn’t hit me. This morning, I tried to play myself think I should feel better…. I watched a video, why on hell I am thinking him and his girl ? Shit…
I pushed my iPad away and cried. It finally hit me, again all memories flashed through my mind. It is 10 am and I still don’t want to go out of the bed. I never thought I would be this sad. We both AWARE we are not meant together, we were in just to make each other happy and fun. What we had is great, we never had problems or argued.
I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what to feel. I didn’t dream about me and him for the rest of my life, wedding and such. But I feel so sad…
I keep listening to Jason Walker’s song : Down
"I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.”
This song fits for friend with benefits situation. Yeah, apparently FWB leads to broken heart even though we know we are gonna fall down. Why do I even try?
Why are you so awesome?! ;) Hope all is well! I'm going on a date tomorrow. Gave in...
Aww, dang wish we live in the same town. You are a smart woman and sexy as well ha! I need “sex and the city” friends who I can talk about anything and everything without being afraid to get judged…. Love your blog!
What a great article I found. I know some of them are obvious but I learn some things new, for example there are some questions I could ask to a guy that has been dating me almost a year without freaking him out.
So girls, I am wondering, if we masturbate too often we will lose that sensitivity around our genital?
Do you believe that? I feel right after I had a kid, I could get multiple orgasms and could do it so many times in one night. Or even last year when I just got out of divorce and I actually hooked up with this guy from POF for a month we had sex marathon and we both came many times in one night. I called him Purple Viking because how high his sex drive (Viking) and I ordered Purple Viking at our first date. Anyway, it didn’t work out, I am too picky and lost interest with him.
So, here I am here thinking for almost 9 months or so, I am having a hard time to come with I have intercourse. I feel like it takes forever, I feel bad because I want to come so bad and make guys feel they do it but I can’t.
No shit I might faked it few times and I NEVER EVER fake it before. I had no idea if Leo noticed it or not.
One time though we did came at the same exact time! It feels like fireworks in the air, we finished the race together as a solid strong team and I felt like we clapped and did chest bump (just like one of the FWB scenes).
But lately, I feel it is so freaking hard. Is it because I play myself too much? Does vibrator ruin your sensitivity? Or is it because I mostly have my kid sleeps when he comes over? Is it because I have too many things going thru my head? (He loves me, he loves me not, what is this? Are we in relationship? Does he realized I still love him? Are we still friends with benefits? What ifs.. And so on)
I wonder if any if you guys have the same problem? Too much masturbate, you are having a hard time to come…. Please answer? :(
I had no idea why I stalked Leo’s Facebook yesterday. We are not Facebook friends, I feel I don’t want he sees my stuff too much or see my rants or what sarcastic posts I like etc.
I usually stalk some guys if I really like them, but I haven’t look him or his profile pictures up for few weeks so I did last night.
He changed his profile picture (newer one he took from Sunday right before he left to came over to my house -miss you text). He has been working out like crazy so he got this hotter body than used to. He is very athletic already, now he looks even better. I saw at least 100 people like him (so far), his friend list about only above 200. One thing I noticed, 99% comments are from girls and 2 of them from guys! From those girls, maybe 1/3 of them are asians ( I am asian too fyi)!
What the hell man? Haha.. I feel jelaous all of sudden, my insecurity creeping up. I know he has a thing with asian chicks but didn’t know he is “that” popular among them.
I know I am the lucky one that get to be with him (or maybe with some other women!). The reason why I feel I am the one (so far) because he told me he doesn’t date anyone else nor sleep with others. We didn’t protect our sex for the last few times and I know when the first half year he kept it VERY VERY SAFE.
He knows I don’t date other people or meeting new people, I told him that. With this sleep exclusively, don’t you think he would thinks we are somewhat exclusive? Why he even risk this unprotected sex if he just want to be a friend with benefits?
Should I even ask about our relationship again? I am so worry I am going to lose him. Damn, I even fall deeper for him, not sure about him…
We are planning to see each other 2 weeks from now and I have a feeling we will spend a night together because my kid will be out of town with her grandparents.
Huh, the “I miss you” text I sent to Leo actually worked. He stopped by on Sunday. We cuddled and did quickie since my kid was napping upstairs. I literally told him I was stressed out and felt much better after I met (had sex) him. Who knew sex helps our stress (well I guess everyone knows that).
Here we are in this maze again. All of sudden, JayZ and JT songs echoing in my head, “…and baby, it’s amazing I’m in this maze with you, I just can’t crack your code…
One day you here, one day you there, one day care, so unfair…”.
He said something about basically he wants to bring something everytime he sees me, I told him I don’t need him to bring me something because his hug is the best. He said he glad to be here and hung out with me. But he doesn’t take me out of date again like out in public. I just friggin can’t crack his code!
Yes, Leo stopped by over a month ago and he hasn’t ask to see me again. This FWB is BS. I love him but I think everything is for his benefits. I texted him said I miss him, but he didn’t repsond to that particular “miss” word. A guy friend told me that I am pretty stupid to not let him go and find another guy. I watched Desmond Harrington on “Not Since You” movie, my heart just ached to see Desmond’s movie since his smile, beard and mouth are just look like Leo’s.
I haven’t have sex for over a month either, that is probably explain why I kinda feel irritable lately. I don’t know if this is because I am dateless (I chose this), work is insanely busy, or ex husband issue and so on….
I had a dream that I cuddled or had steamy night with: my ex (please no), Leo, my college ex-affair, and my boss (who is married). Holy cow, I feel so weird having this dream..
My out-of-state friend told me that he also has those kinda dreams if he sexless hahaha. He said he has to find a chick or one night stand just to release it because it is not the same to masturbate and to have penetration, duh od course!
I just got measured by my coach for body fat measurement. You know the pinch version with caliper. He hesitated when he pinched my side of upper boob which I don’t mind and don’t care.
Once he trying to pinch my hips above my hipbone, I suddenly turn on. I know that’s my spot haha! He was trying to grab my skin (or I should say “fat”), he pinch here and there and I knew my face turned red I even asked him to stop doing it for a second because that turns me on so crazy.
He said sorry and asked if that hurts or inappropriate. I told him, no it’s not because of the pinch or you or the caliper. It’s me! Hahaha..
I like it when I’m on top then my guy squeezes my hips :-)
Do you have a certain body part that make you turn on instantly? Or someone that not your partner (family / friends) do something to your body and you feel horny??
I wonder if most of girls or guys have the same spot(s). I certainly need to know what parts for guys -besides the d*.
Just had a thought. I think I am not intrested with youngster anymore. My ex is 5 years younger than me, I am 30 years old. Enough for me to say no to guys who are younger than me.
Since I jumped to the online dating, I met guys 6 years younger until 15 years older than me. I feel I could pull this conclusion from my (foolish) heart: Age does matter.
At first, I am so done with guys who are younger than me. They don’t know what to do with their lives. They don’t have visions, missions, dreams. Oh they do have dreams but they don’t want to reach them. I even literally rejected one guy who is 3 years older than me with an excuse “you just don’t know where or what you want to do in this life..”. He offended though he said he still confuse what he wants to do weeks before I reject him. Or there’s a guy got mad because I told him I don’t have chemistry with this guy who is 5 year younger than me. Jeez kiddos!
Then here are the older ones.. Most of them 10 years older than me. Some of them have grown up kids, some of them told me so happy that they don’t have kids at home anymore (uh hello, I have a toddler here, thanks for killing the buzz..). Some of them don’t have kids and don’t want to have kids around. MOST of them (40s year old divorced guys) NEVER want to get married again.
Funny that I’m yearning to have a partner who is way older than me. It feels like they can take care of me, they caress me so good, they cuddle me so well, this father figure that I could feel from them, secure, safe, and protected but damn why I feel they don’t like me OR they just don’t want commitment OR even worst, they want to use me?!?!
Young guys, those guys are so energetic, full of ideas and dreams, enthusiastic people and text me non stop. They want me, they show it to me and sometimes they are too pushy and ask me to see them all the time. Are these guys actually sincere and want to make me happy?
If so, should give another shot? I said this because when I search my match on online dating, I put guys age range from 30-45. I don’t feel want to date younger guys, but these older guys seem don’t want to be with me. Yes, they want to enjoy me ugh but go nowhere!
Do you girls notice about this pattern or similar behavior on your dates? Does age really matter?
It’s only been couple months that I signed off from online dating. I am having withdrawn soooo bad.
I vowed myself not to use online dating for a while means like a looong time. But I can’t stand it. It is not about sex, I don’t even know what it is?!
Leo is still communicating with me at least once a week, and we do it at least once a month or something. We both just try to be careful to not fall into each other. So we don’t go on dates! Though he KNEW that I love him, he doesn’t push me away neither take me as I am.
Ugh, don’t know if I should go back online or not?! I am missing those funny messages, flirty texts, and all. But I am SO EXHAUSTED dealing with all new people because I have a kid, have to find a sitter (hard enough), pay the sitter yada yada…. :(
My friend and I were talking about our online dating experiences today, and we found out that we’ve been experiencing a lot of the same issues. Feel free to add your own, because I’m sure we missed a few. Look, I know online dating is tough. Especially for guys because you never know when you’ve…
So I am here sitting on my lunch break. Kris called last night, basically we won’t date each other anymore (or at least for a while, he wants to be friends still). He asked if I have a stronger feeling than him. I said no, we have mutual feelings: no chemistry.
Apparently he feels the same thing, no matter how often we date and we just can’t find the chemistry. For some reason I was freaking out that he might find this blog. He is really good with stalking people (that’s what he said). But I should not feel bad because:
1. I blog to rant or vent about dating life, sometimes friends could not handle it.
2. I seriously looking for someone and not just jumping from one boat to another.
3. I would love to celibate, but I like sex so I am struggle with that….
Back to Kris. After 8 dates with no hold hands, kiss on cheeks (let alone kiss on my lips), passionate hugs, I am happy this is over. We both force ourselves to make it work somehow… We think a like, we both are not into country lifestyle, same background, same interests, same belief for goodness sake!! He is really good on the paper, yet I NEVER heard he compliment me EVER.
He doesn’t say: you are pretty, beautiful, cute, sexy, gorgeous, or even “look good”. He doesn’t hold my hands when we across the street when it was raining outside on one date night or two actually!
I asked how long is the longest relationship he had he said “6 months”. Why on earth you are so smart and rich and good looking but you still single??? I probably know now….
I am a traditional woman and want almost everything to be traditional, so I don’t really complain about it and hoping he will realize it someday.
What the hell is chemistry?? Is it because I still love Leo, so my chemistry just sucked into Leo only and my chemistry or aura for others just won’t appeal? If Kris hold my hand, would it be different? If Kris say I “look good”, would I start ignite this chemistry?
Nonetheless, I am a bit upset just because I wish he knows how to date women seriously. Now, I don’t know if he reads this blog or not. But hopefully someday there is a girl tells him about how to treat women on dates.
Guys, when you are on dates, do this!
1. Hold her hand when you want to across the street.
2. Walk on the out side.
3. If she says “it’s cold”, offer her to hold your hands.
4. Help her with her coat / jacket.
5. Offer her a drink.
6. Look her in her eyes when you talk.
7. Put the damn phone away, if you wait for a business call, make it vibrate and put it on your pocket so you can excuse yourself and texting is not a business call.
8. Don’t be full of yourself, ask about her life.
9. If you like her, kiss her cheek on the second or third date to tell her that you are interested to know her more.
10. Do activities fun together and don’t stuck on dine in only and watch each other chew on food.
Phheww.. Ranting is done, feel great. I miss Leo. I don’t know it things would work between us, or if I could get over him. Am I going to be single for the rest of my life because Leo took my heart and I can’t take it back?
I need a break from this online dating…. I know it won’t be long since I am yearning to have someone to share this life. But online dating is exhausting, very exhausting if you are a single mom.
Last Friday night, my friend came over to “interviewed” me about cultural things. She begged me to come over and bring some wine so she could work on her school project.
It was 11 PM, all of sudden Leo texted me. It is random because we both sleep around 10pm.
“Naomi?”, he just texted me like that.
“Yes?”, I replied.
“I am in your neighborhood and saw your living room is on, can I come in? I have this stuff for you”.
I told my friend that Leo is here and I didn’t plan this. She said, “He probably been stalking you and thought I am your new boyfriend.” We laughed and I thought wow okay he probably is wondering if I have a boyfriend at 11pm and my living room is still on.
I got outside and gave him a big hug! I told him to come in and hang out for a bit. So he came in and I introduced him to my friend. We were talking about cultural stuff since that’s the topic that night.
My friend could tell that we need some alone time so she left. I didn’t expect that, I honestly thought he will drop the stuff that I’ve been looking at the stores and leave. But he ended up stay here.
Again, we haven’t have sex since few days before Christmas. We broke up around January so I didn’t expect we gonna have sex. We just cuddle on my couch, we hug for a very long time and watched news. He started to kiss me, this time I kiss him back…
I miss him so much, miss his touch and his warmth. We started making out, “Do you want me?”, he asked me.
“Yes, do you want me?”, I asked.
“So bad, Naomi”, he kissed me again. We all of sudden naked in my living room. I miss him, his body. He is the sexiest man alive, he is built-well, he is strong and we were just drawn to each other so much. We finished it….
"I am glad I’m here", he said.
Why the heck he said it?? It makes my heart melted. What the heck do you want Leo? Do seriously like me? Love me? Or you just a super alpha male that knows what to say things. Instead I said, “I am glad you are here…”
Stupid naomi, stupid!! Why you did it? You are not going to get over him! Ask him to let you go… Tell him to leave you alone since he doesn’t want a relationship.
We just laid on our back and cuddle for a bit. He kissed my forehead and my lips. We stared at each other. He got up and we clean up… He wanted to leave but I held him, didn’t want to let him go. He kissed my lips, I became weak. He left….
I opened the door, he had a big smile…
Liam: Hey how are you?
Me: Great, come on in.
L: you want to give me a hug?
Me: of course.. Oh my goodness, I don’t remember you being this tall…
He just smiled: That’s because your a petite person..
He is probably 6.3 or 6.4 ? He still look great, I haven’t seen him for over a year. We sat down and watched whatever on TV. We talked about our work mostly, his face became closer to mine as we get comfortable…
I put my legs up on his lap, “Well, this is more comfy..” Then we talk about our exes too. Weird huh? We both broke up at the same time. He rubbed my legs gently, all the way to my thighs. We talked even closer. We staring at each other and I honestly don’t remember who started the kiss…. We kiss, he is a great kisser. We were making out and all that. I jumped on his lap, do my own thing, my fav.thing to foreplay..
"Where is your condom?", I whispered on his ear.
“I didn’t bring it”
“WHAT?!! You kidding right?”
“I just didn’t plan this…”
We continued making out and he carried me to my bed.
“Are you safe?”, I said.
“Yes, I just didn’t bring because I didn’t expect it…”
“Well you are player and popular so…”
“I am not a player, shut up”
And we did it.. We layed down, and we had another round. We had a super great sex.
We laid side by side, he wants to do this more often. He asked me to stay overnight someday so we would do “the marathon”. I am totally up for that…
But I told him we just have 5 times.
“What the heck? 5 times, why 5?”, his hazel eyes are just shocked.
“Yeah, I don’t want to do more than 5 times, I’d fall for you and you will break my heart.” I said it in a cool way.
“Well if you fall in love with me, I am going to ditch you”, he smiled.
“Player..!”, I said.
He kissed me sweetly, then he told me love is pretty much a stupid thing. Just like Leo, he has divorced 2 times. He doesn’t want to get married anymore, marriage is absurd and love is overated he said. I just laughed and shaked my head.
We got up and clean ourselves up, he put his clothes on. I opened the door for him, he kissed me 2 times and said, “Thanks for a great night, you are beautiful. I will text you”.
He left, made me think…
Does Love really exist anymore for these guys? Do they actually afraid to get hurt again or just simply don’t care about love and being loved forever as a spouse?
Do I ever get a chance to these kinda people?
I thought about celibate and I’ve failed. What is wrong with me? It is so hard to get rid of that feeling when you really want it. All the affection, touch, someone’s breath so closely, hugs, kisses, fondles, caress -you name it.
Liam, he is my former coworker. I was married back then but I knew he is a charming guy. He is tall, dark blonde, he looks like a short-hair rock star. In fact, he lived in LA before, involved in many short movies /shows. He has his own channel on you tube. He is popular among lots of girls in LA or in this town.
We message each other lately, it went to say hi to let’s hook up with no intention of get to a relationship whatsoever. We attracted to each other. I secretly fan of him, he doesn’t know. So when he said something about hook up. I felt like maybe when Katie Holmes got asked on a date with Tom Cruise.
So I thought I am out of his league, I never thought I’d sleep with him. You know how excited when you like someone because he is cool, popular, handsome, and just plain attractive? Yeah, feels “OMG! He wants me? Seriously? Haha.. wake me up” kinda thing! His ex girlfriends are model looking, size 2 or less, they are pretty, tall, fun, fearless girls.
We decided to meet up on Saturday. Then he started to ask my pictures. I sent some of my pics, he loved them. We flirted, no actually I didn’t flirt because I want him to seduce me, so he did. He told me how he is going to make each other happy, have fun and just let it loose. I got excited, we both got excited. We can’t wait any longer, our need is stronger than our patience. We decided to meet the next day, which 3 days earlier from Saturday.
I was nervous, super nervous.. I have not seen him in a while. I put my kid to sleep and my heart was beating so fast and waited for him in my living room.
I asked Leo to stop by real quick at my house yesterday. I didn’t make any real excuses, I told him I would love to see him. So he said yes…
He came, we were just cuddling on the couch and asked how we’re doing and stuff. We know we are over, but we still cuddle.. I even told him about Kris that I’ve been seeing Kris but he doesn’t touch me once except for cousins hug when we meet up or when we are done for a date. Leo didn’t say much about my new date..
We still like to cuddle each other. When he holds me in his arms, I feel like coming home. His strong arms just wrapped around me, I snuggled on his chest, I took a deep breath and smell his cologne as much as I could. Love his smell, so manly man. I put up my legs and he just rubbed my legs and feet. He kissed my lips, I didn’t react.. i can’t, I don’t know what to feel. We are cuddling so much but we know we can’t go further than that. It hurts but it is worth it to get hugged like this.
I told him I was fall in love. I made sure I said “was” because I had to stop this feeling to grow deeper (or am I on denial?). He looked at me and didn’t say anything… He said he thinks he is not a right guy for me (cliche?). I said, “I think so too, that we are not meant to be together”. I just want him to tell me if he finds someone else or something… instead he said that a couple that share vulnerability moments together would grow something .. love…
Then it hit me, yes we do agreed we were just going to be friends with benefits. But we’ve been so passionate and care about each other and we’ve shared our deepest dreams or frustrations, apparently it is growing deeper and we realized it. He said that we had to break up because if we keep going and knowing we can’t be together it would just get harder to break up.
I was speechless, we looked into our each other’s eyes for a long time, no words.. Then he kissed my forehead and asked to leave. I opened the door for him and gave him a big nice long hug. I kissed his neck many times, look at into his eyes..
"I gotta go Naomi.."
“I don’t want you to go…” I told him.
He smiled, kissed my forehead and said, “I will see you again..”
Am I going to see him again? It hurts but I am glad I said it. Like what I said many times, friends with benefits: ready to get hurt by something you don’t even have in the first place….
Hi. I miss you, a little. No, actually I kind of miss you more than I intended to. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe you are missing me too. I don’t know what’s going on between us and I don’t know what you are thinking. I wish I did. It would make things a little easier for me. I would know whether to stay or to leave. Because I know it’s my place to go but I still hope you’ll ask me to stay. I’m not sure if this is considered a fall out but this silence is killing me. And what’s worse is not knowing why we stopped speaking in the first place.
Remember when I told you I wasn’t very good with words, especially in real life? Like I didn’t know how to express myself to you because it was just all kinds of nerve wrecking to me. So I thought if I write a letter, it’d be better because at least then, I can get some things off my chest regardless if you read it or not. A part of me hopes you’ll read this, a part of me hopes you won’t.
I’ve been spending all of last week wondering what made you stop talking to me. Like, was it something I said or something I did? Or was it just because you are no longer interested? I know feelings change, I get it; but don’t you think it’s only fair that you’d let me know you didn’t want to see me anymore? I’ve been lying in bed every night, wondering what the hell changed and I can’t seem to figure it out. I have come up with so many theories and excuses but I just can’t find the one that seems to justify my quench of curiosity.
I cried one night, or two but I don’t want to tell you the details in this letter. Because I’m not sure you deserve to know.
It literally kills me that I feel this way because I never meant to like you this much in the first place, and I never thought that you would just cut me off either. I don’t know what hurts more, not knowing or you leaving. I am just confused as to, why all of a sudden? I keep asking myself the same questions, over and over again and all I can do is replay scenarios in my head and trying to pick up if something had gone wrong. Maybe this is all in my head, but you cannot deny that something has definitely changed in the atmosphere.
You say you’re busy with school and work, and I get it. I really do. But how can someone be that busy to not even try? I’ve had my fair share of hearing excuses and I know one when I hear one. Being busy is what people tell other people when they are over them, when they no longer want to see them. So I get it. I know what you are trying to say. yet, there’s a teeny tiny part of me that hopes I’m wrong. Maybe I’m wrong and you really don’t mean it that way. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am just going insane. Just maybe, I am wrong.
But today I saw you. And I’m pretty sure you saw me too. And I was hoping maybe you’d stop me and say “Hi, I’ve missed you” or even, “Hello, how are you?” but you didn’t. You never even said “hey.” We just walked past each other. That really hurt. I literally felt the atoms in my body close up and my heart, physically ached. My best friend asked if you texted me after and I told her I didn’t check my phone but probably not. I didn’t check my phone because I didn’t want to know. I was trying to give you some time to make a decision. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you would have texted because you still cared. But you didn’t, and that hurt even more. Are we not going to even say hello anymore? That’s almost like murder.
I told my friends that I was out of tears. I lied.
I’ve been thinking about this so much and there is so much on my mind that I don’t even remember all that I want to say anymore. There is so much I want to say in this letter, but I can’t write it all. And this letter has become so disorganized, but that’s okay because that’s how my mind is right now. It’s a jumble of thoughts. A web of questions. I have become so distracted and vulnerable, I can’t even focus on my homework. I would lay down in bed at 12 am and not fall asleep till 3 or 4 in the morning. You asked me if I stayed up so late thinking about you, I lied and said no but the honest answer is oh God, yes. I cannot sleep because the questions haunt me. My eyelids feel heavy and I am physically tired but my brain just won’t stop going. It just keeps running and I am so sick and restless.
Explanation. Closure. Will you ever give me one? If you don’t like me anymore, just tell me. If you have found someone else, just tell me. If you think I’m not good enough, just tell me. But you can’t hold my hands and kiss me and tell me you like me and then leave me there hanging onto nothing. You left me in the state of limbo, but I cannot figure out everything by myself. Were we nothing? I mean, if we were nothing then just tell me. I can take the truth. I hate not knowing. But don’t fool me into thinking that we had something going on, just to cut me off. I told you about my past, but you made sure to repeat it. And that is not fair.
I opened up to you. How can you make me open up to you and then leave? I think back on all the things that you said. So were any of it true, or were they just lies? Sweet talking, that was your best trait and I hated it at first but it grew on me but now, I am upset at myself for believing you. I think back on all the compliments you gave, apparently they weren’t real. I just don’t get why you had to choose me of all people. There are so many other girls out there, if you wanted to play games you could have picked someone else. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t agree to participate. I did not sign up to get injured. But that’s how it always is right?
I am mad. And I am sad. And then I am furious. And then I am hurt.
I’ve been hurting a lot recently, not that you care but I thought I’d let you know. You really, really, hurt me.
”—Ming D. Liu, A Letter To T (I’d put your name, but I’m not that brave)
I should reblog this because this is what I seriously have in mind. Of course not the school part, since Leo is in 40s. Gosh, it hurts…
Don’t you think we as women like to get hurt. Or at least that how I feel now….
I know Leo and I won’t work, yet I still think about him all.the.time… I promised myself not to internet-stalked him again once he said we are done. I did it for a month, but last week I gave up and started to stalk him again. I want to know how he’s doing, wonder if he is at home or not. My brain still think, why we even stop seeing each other when everything was fine. Everything! We never argue, never get upset, I DON’T get it.. It is like I want him to tell me that he has a girlfriend and “cheated on me” while we had an open relationship so I could get over him or just enjoy the pain he caused… Am I obsessed?
Kris on the other hand still not make a move, we had a date last weekend. I was planning to grab his hand, didn’t work. Either I don’t have nerve to do it, or I feel slowly fading and disinterested.
I’ve been hanging out with this new guy. I can’t say from which online dating site. I found out he is also has the same background - know how to “research” people on internet (just like me). Even though he won’t googling online dating blog but I just want to keep it low…
I met him like over 5 times, no hold hands, let alone kiss or even sex. I DON’T want to make the same mistake though. I am trying to not give up and have sex with a guy that I don’t have a relationship with, I even thinking about celibate.
By the way, let’s call this guy Kris. Kris is a businessman, perfect on the paper, awesome background and have a great and same vision for the future.
I was shopping earlier, I look thru some cute summer dresses on sale rack. I thought oh this one good for a date with Kris. All of sudden I realized, he never tell me if I am beautiful, pretty, sexy, even cute. What the heck?! Then I started to compare him to my ex dates… Leo flooded me with such a beautiful words, I felt spoiled, super comfy and relax, he filled up my cup, quenched my thirst of affection. I am craving it right now!
I am shocked, yes Kris has not said anything about me. Not even a flirty text, talk or even touch. It kinda turns me off.
He asked me to go out with him pretty much every week except if he goes out of state for business stuff. He does look interested with me, but he rarely text me, let alone call me. He is happy to hang out with me and I know for sure he doesn’t have another date.
All of sudden I felt sad, I thought why would I even buy cute clothes for dates if he doesn’t say a word about my outfit or even about me.
We are going to have a date again soon. I really wondering if I just a company, a date, a girl friend prospect or what?
I believe in chivalry 100%. I would not flirt him first if he doesn’t flirt me. Guy should make a move first…
Should I even mention this on the next date? Or I ignore it and see how long take slow is “too slow” ?
Is there any guy like that but interested? Do they want to take it slow or it is just the way they are?
Flash Forward » after Leo and I broke up, I feel super sad.. I even tried to cry it out but I can’t, I don’t know if I have fallin or I just sad because I miss his companion.
I had promise myself I won’t have an alcohol at my house due to healthy lifestyle that I am in. I gave in, I bought a bottle of wine, drank it almost daily though it took me a week to drink it all.
One night, I was pretty drunk (I am 4.10ft tall so alcohol is not my best friend) and I wanted to flirt Bryan by texting.
I texted him and asked what he really wants from me? Me or sex? I even said, “come on you want to sleep with me right?” I told him it is going to be one time thing and I am not ready for a real relationship. I want to have sex with him just because I kinda upset with this Leo thing. Rebound Sex maybe?
I told him to come over to my house the next day and bring some condoms.. He agreed…
The next morning, I woke up and realized I can’t undo this, I texted my address last night. We were gonna meet at 7pm but by 5pm I got super bored and texted him to come over right away.
He got to my house, I almost forgot what he looks like, we met at the bar over a month ago. I opened the door, his smile yes I recognize his smile, he is tall, dark hair, trimmed beard, his eyes still look innocent, we hugged. He smells amazing, ah another weakness I have.
We feel awkward, we sit and watch New Girl for hours and time went by, I have to make it quick I thought…
I grabbed my wine and pour some for myself, he brought his own beers. All of sudden we were making out, thanks alcohol…
He slipped his hand under my skirt, I can’t help it. I jump on him and told him to go to my bed..
"Do you bring condoms?", I asked.
“Yeah…”, he said.
“How many??”, I asked curiously.
“Three, is that enough?”, he giggled.
“Not sure…”, I then grabbed him to my bed.
We finally did it, I finished 2 times. Though after we are done.. I feel even more sad. Yeah physical need is met but I still miss Leo. I compared how Leo’s affection is just more passionate than Bryan. I feel bad for him, he is a good guy. I used him….
I feel horrible the next day knowing I did for rebound sex….
This is so wrong.. so plain wrong! I am thinking I want to do celibate…..
So Leo and I are pretty much done in the beginning of January…
I have not tell you that in last week of December me and my girls had a girls night out, we went to the club and started flirt everywhere. It was 8 exotic islander girls darn!! All eyes on us no kidding. Live in majority of white people made us stand out more… Long story short, this guy came to my table, brought tequila mix with something pink. Bam… in front of me and he bought that for me he said…
I said no, but he is damn cute! His smile make me weak… I was drunk, I asked his name… Bryan. He is so young, he is 6 years younger than me. He asked me to dance and told me how cute I am. I was too drunk I can’t even dance anymore. He asked my number so hell I gave my number (I shouldn’t). My friends watched how he came very close to me, he touched my waist down to my hips friendly. He kept ask me to dance but my friends noticed I was drunk so they pulled me and ended the night.
Holy $**# ! I can’t resist when a guy touch my hips, since then I can’t stop thinking about him.. The next day we were texting almost everyday. I know I am not interested in young guys anymore… I said, “Hey I am older than you. Do you still curious about me?” He said, “You are not that old. And yes I still curious about you, you look so young and I want to know more about you”.
My relationship with Leo was flat that time. I kept thinking about Bryan and honestly use him as my imaginary partner when I play by myself…
I was dissappear from Tumblr because I met this guy, let’s call him Leo. First time we met, we clicked right away.. It was summer 2013. By the third date we finally hooked.. We went through 100 deg weather, rain, snow, practically any kind of weather together.
I never experienced a guy so passionate in engaging himself to me. We had a pillow talk and agreed we are just going to be friend with benefits. We date, dinner, hold hands, kiss and hugs in public and have sex.
He holds me like no other, he hugs me like no other, he f* like no other. Having sex with him is beautiful, it is making love literally, it is not some kind of porn or nasty sex. It is slow, enjoyable, every move is just extra passionate.
It came to an end… Three weeks ago he told me he can’t be friend with benefits with me anymore. He realized he doesn’t want to have sex if he thinks he could not be together with the girl.
Back then, we talked and realized before that we can’t be together as a couple in a relationship, though we have a deep connection. He has failed 2 times, I have failed 1 time. We knew what we want, and we knew we are not meant for each other for certain reasons or just how different lifestyle we have. We try to be “wise” and don’t want to drag ourselves into a deeper relationship.
3 weeks later, I am here still can’t get over him. I must have falling for him…? Every time I play by myself, I can’t think somebody else but him, after I finish I would cry, deep inside my heart I miss him so much.
Few days ago, he stopped by and gave me books and we hugged. We hugged for a while, longer than how friends should hug each other. I heard he was sighing, we looked into our each other eyes.. We don’t say like or love, but I certainly know he has falling as well. He asked me to sit on his lap and he hugged me so tight, another sigh came out. Wish I could read his mind….
Mature love sucks, that’s where we knew we can’t be together even though all the passion is there we chose to not continue this relationship.
Friends with benefits is just not an answer, it hurts for one or both sides.
Now, how can I get over him?? Should I tell him about my feeling????
Been crazy busy since last summer. Hell now I am into workout programs from Shaun T. As you know, those killer workouts make me tired and want to go to bed earlier and earlier. I miss blogging. I deactivate my online acc since late summer. So many freaks out there I needed a break.
I been “hanging out” with one guy. But we pretty much only friends with benefits! (Lame I know). I will set up a new account on Jan or Feb. Ttyl!