Friday morning, I was all excited that I will have a date / staycation with Leo. My kid is with grandma, I prepared everything since Wednesday, clean the house and all. I kept thinking I should cook something for him, I was going to get wine.
Until I sat down on my office, and I saw one email from him with subject: Changes.
I thought, darn he might can’t do it this week because he has been helping his mom’s house alot. I opened his email nervously…
Dear (…), - he doesn’t use my pet name anymore. He typed my real name and I knew something bad is happening.
Then he explained he regretfully said he had to cancel the date and stayover. He plainly told me he reconnected with his ex girlfriend for 4 years since Monday. They broke up 2 years ago and she moved out of state. This girl is planning to move back to this state and they feel they want to try this relationship one more try. He and her almost married and he believed that she is the love of his life. He wants to reserve his heart until she moves back here. Then he told me not to keep in touch with him, because it might complicated things (his feelings of course). He told me that I hope I could understand. He told me I am a great lady, he trully enjoyed our time we spent together and wish me all the best of course.
I was reading that in shock, oh his ex is moving back here so let’s just dump this girl. My whole day turned upside down. I blasted my music in the car to make the song louder than my thoughts.. I don’t want to think about it, I decided my revenge is by activate my PoF profile. See if that could help me to ease my mind. Within half hour, my inbox filled up. I have no idea if there is no girls out there that look appropriate (pof in this town usually just for hook ups so the girls profile dress up like I am ready to be on your bed now).
So anyway, I went to concert but didn’t enjoy it at all. We know how loud the concert music is, but I heard mumbled in my ears, his face and our memories flashed in my mind. The way he hugs me, he holds me and he nurtures me.
I got home yesterday still didn’t hit me. This morning, I tried to play myself think I should feel better…. I watched a video, why on hell I am thinking him and his girl ? Shit…
I pushed my iPad away and cried. It finally hit me, again all memories flashed through my mind. It is 10 am and I still don’t want to go out of the bed. I never thought I would be this sad. We both AWARE we are not meant together, we were in just to make each other happy and fun. What we had is great, we never had problems or argued.
I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what to feel. I didn’t dream about me and him for the rest of my life, wedding and such. But I feel so sad…
I keep listening to Jason Walker’s song : Down
"I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.”
This song fits for friend with benefits situation. Yeah, apparently FWB leads to broken heart even though we know we are gonna fall down. Why do I even try?