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I am just done watching TiMER movie on Netflix on my lonely friggin weekend. I am shocked when Desmond Harrington appeared on this movie. Not that I know him and all his other movies. But his smile, eyes, mouth, beard and even the jawlines are just look like Leo, no kidding! I wish I could post Leo’s pics here but that’d get me in trouble…

Ratings: It is actually pretty fun for us single people! I give 4 stars for the authentic story about it. About: Sometime in the future somewhere, single people would get this chip /bracelet that should help to find their match / life soulmate. It is a countdown timer how long you are going to meet your soulmate. It’s interesting idea since I am so exhausted on dating world seriously!?!?!

If you ever watch this, would you want to get a Timer bracelet? :-)

No Chemistry, No Good? Date Tips for Guys.

So I am here sitting on my lunch break. Kris called last night, basically we won’t date each other anymore (or at least for a while, he wants to be friends still). He asked if I have a stronger feeling than him. I said no, we have mutual feelings: no chemistry.

Apparently he feels the same thing, no matter how often we date and we just can’t find the chemistry. For some reason I was freaking out that he might find this blog. He is really good with stalking people (that’s what he said). But I should not feel bad because:
1. I blog to rant or vent about dating life, sometimes friends could not handle it.
2. I seriously looking for someone and not just jumping from one boat to another.
3. I would love to celibate, but I like sex so I am struggle with that….

Back to Kris. After 8 dates with no hold hands, kiss on cheeks (let alone kiss on my lips), passionate hugs, I am happy this is over. We both force ourselves to make it work somehow… We think a like, we both are not into country lifestyle, same background, same interests, same belief for goodness sake!! He is really good on the paper, yet I NEVER heard he compliment me EVER.

He doesn’t say: you are pretty, beautiful, cute, sexy, gorgeous, or even “look good”. He doesn’t hold my hands when we across the street when it was raining outside on one date night or two actually!

I asked how long is the longest relationship he had he said “6 months”. Why on earth you are so smart and rich and good looking but you still single??? I probably know now….

I am a traditional woman and want almost everything to be traditional, so I don’t really complain about it and hoping he will realize it someday.

What the hell is chemistry?? Is it because I still love Leo, so my chemistry just sucked into Leo only and my chemistry or aura for others just won’t appeal? If Kris hold my hand, would it be different? If Kris say I “look good”, would I start ignite this chemistry?

Nonetheless, I am a bit upset just because I wish he knows how to date women seriously. Now, I don’t know if he reads this blog or not. But hopefully someday there is a girl tells him about how to treat women on dates.

Guys, when you are on dates, do this!
1. Hold her hand when you want to across the street.
2. Walk on the out side.
3. If she says “it’s cold”, offer her to hold your hands.
4. Help her with her coat / jacket.
5. Offer her a drink.
6. Look her in her eyes when you talk.
7. Put the damn phone away, if you wait for a business call, make it vibrate and put it on your pocket so you can excuse yourself and texting is not a business call.
8. Don’t be full of yourself, ask about her life.
9. If you like her, kiss her cheek on the second or third date to tell her that you are interested to know her more.
10. Do activities fun together and don’t stuck on dine in only and watch each other chew on food.

Phheww.. Ranting is done, feel great. I miss Leo. I don’t know it things would work between us, or if I could get over him. Am I going to be single for the rest of my life because Leo took my heart and I can’t take it back?

I need a break from this online dating…. I know it won’t be long since I am yearning to have someone to share this life. But online dating is exhausting, very exhausting if you are a single mom.

Friday Night

Last Friday night, my friend came over to “interviewed” me about cultural things. She begged me to come over and bring some wine so she could work on her school project.

It was 11 PM, all of sudden Leo texted me. It is random because we both sleep around 10pm.
“Naomi?”, he just texted me like that.
“Yes?”, I replied.
“I am in your neighborhood and saw your living room is on, can I come in? I have this stuff for you”.

I told my friend that Leo is here and I didn’t plan this. She said, “He probably been stalking you and thought I am your new boyfriend.” We laughed and I thought wow okay he probably is wondering if I have a boyfriend at 11pm and my living room is still on.

I got outside and gave him a big hug! I told him to come in and hang out for a bit. So he came in and I introduced him to my friend. We were talking about cultural stuff since that’s the topic that night.

My friend could tell that we need some alone time so she left. I didn’t expect that, I honestly thought he will drop the stuff that I’ve been looking at the stores and leave. But he ended up stay here.

Again, we haven’t have sex since few days before Christmas. We broke up around January so I didn’t expect we gonna have sex. We just cuddle on my couch, we hug for a very long time and watched news. He started to kiss me, this time I kiss him back…

I miss him so much, miss his touch and his warmth. We started making out, “Do you want me?”, he asked me.
“Yes, do you want me?”, I asked.
“So bad, Naomi”, he kissed me again. We all of sudden naked in my living room. I miss him, his body. He is the sexiest man alive, he is built-well, he is strong and we were just drawn to each other so much. We finished it….

"I am glad I’m here", he said.
Why the heck he said it?? It makes my heart melted. What the heck do you want Leo? Do seriously like me? Love me? Or you just a super alpha male that knows what to say things. Instead I said, “I am glad you are here…”

Stupid naomi, stupid!! Why you did it? You are not going to get over him! Ask him to let you go… Tell him to leave you alone since he doesn’t want a relationship.

We just laid on our back and cuddle for a bit. He kissed my forehead and my lips. We stared at each other. He got up and we clean up… He wanted to leave but I held him, didn’t want to let him go. He kissed my lips, I became weak. He left….

Sex Buddy Pt.2

I opened the door, he had a big smile…
Liam: Hey how are you?
Me: Great, come on in.
L: you want to give me a hug?
Me: of course.. Oh my goodness, I don’t remember you being this tall…
He just smiled: That’s because your a petite person..

He is probably 6.3 or 6.4 ? He still look great, I haven’t seen him for over a year. We sat down and watched whatever on TV. We talked about our work mostly, his face became closer to mine as we get comfortable…

I put my legs up on his lap, “Well, this is more comfy..” Then we talk about our exes too. Weird huh? We both broke up at the same time. He rubbed my legs gently, all the way to my thighs. We talked even closer. We staring at each other and I honestly don’t remember who started the kiss…. We kiss, he is a great kisser. We were making out and all that. I jumped on his lap, do my own thing, my fav.thing to foreplay..

"Where is your condom?", I whispered on his ear.
“I didn’t bring it”
“WHAT?!! You kidding right?”
“I just didn’t plan this…”

We continued making out and he carried me to my bed.
“Are you safe?”, I said.
“Yes, I just didn’t bring because I didn’t expect it…”
“Well you are player and popular so…”
“I am not a player, shut up”
And we did it.. We layed down, and we had another round. We had a super great sex.

We laid side by side, he wants to do this more often. He asked me to stay overnight someday so we would do “the marathon”. I am totally up for that…

But I told him we just have 5 times.
“What the heck? 5 times, why 5?”, his hazel eyes are just shocked.
“Yeah, I don’t want to do more than 5 times, I’d fall for you and you will break my heart.” I said it in a cool way.
“Well if you fall in love with me, I am going to ditch you”, he smiled.
“Player..!”, I said.
He kissed me sweetly, then he told me love is pretty much a stupid thing. Just like Leo, he has divorced 2 times. He doesn’t want to get married anymore, marriage is absurd and love is overated he said. I just laughed and shaked my head.

We got up and clean ourselves up, he put his clothes on. I opened the door for him, he kissed me 2 times and said, “Thanks for a great night, you are beautiful. I will text you”.

He left, made me think…
Does Love really exist anymore for these guys? Do they actually afraid to get hurt again or just simply don’t care about love and being loved forever as a spouse?
Do I ever get a chance to these kinda people?

Sex Buddy?

I thought about celibate and I’ve failed. What is wrong with me? It is so hard to get rid of that feeling when you really want it. All the affection, touch, someone’s breath so closely, hugs, kisses, fondles, caress -you name it.

Liam, he is my former coworker. I was married back then but I knew he is a charming guy. He is tall, dark blonde, he looks like a short-hair rock star. In fact, he lived in LA before, involved in many short movies /shows. He has his own channel on you tube. He is popular among lots of girls in LA or in this town.

We message each other lately, it went to say hi to let’s hook up with no intention of get to a relationship whatsoever. We attracted to each other. I secretly fan of him, he doesn’t know. So when he said something about hook up. I felt like maybe when Katie Holmes got asked on a date with Tom Cruise.

So I thought I am out of his league, I never thought I’d sleep with him. You know how excited when you like someone because he is cool, popular, handsome, and just plain attractive? Yeah, feels “OMG! He wants me? Seriously? Haha.. wake me up” kinda thing! His ex girlfriends are model looking, size 2 or less, they are pretty, tall, fun, fearless girls.

We decided to meet up on Saturday. Then he started to ask my pictures. I sent some of my pics, he loved them. We flirted, no actually I didn’t flirt because I want him to seduce me, so he did. He told me how he is going to make each other happy, have fun and just let it loose. I got excited, we both got excited. We can’t wait any longer, our need is stronger than our patience. We decided to meet the next day, which 3 days earlier from Saturday.

I was nervous, super nervous.. I have not seen him in a while. I put my kid to sleep and my heart was beating so fast and waited for him in my living room.

I heard someone knocking at the door, it’s him!

To be cont…

I said it…

I asked Leo to stop by real quick at my house yesterday. I didn’t make any real excuses, I told him I would love to see him. So he said yes…

He came, we were just cuddling on the couch and asked how we’re doing and stuff. We know we are over, but we still cuddle.. I even told him about Kris that I’ve been seeing Kris but he doesn’t touch me once except for cousins hug when we meet up or when we are done for a date. Leo didn’t say much about my new date..

We still like to cuddle each other. When he holds me in his arms, I feel like coming home. His strong arms just wrapped around me, I snuggled on his chest, I took a deep breath and smell his cologne as much as I could. Love his smell, so manly man. I put up my legs and he just rubbed my legs and feet. He kissed my lips, I didn’t react.. i can’t, I don’t know what to feel. We are cuddling so much but we know we can’t go further than that. It hurts but it is worth it to get hugged like this.

I told him I was fall in love. I made sure I said “was” because I had to stop this feeling to grow deeper (or am I on denial?). He looked at me and didn’t say anything… He said he thinks he is not a right guy for me (cliche?). I said, “I think so too, that we are not meant to be together”. I just want him to tell me if he finds someone else or something… instead he said that a couple that share vulnerability moments together would grow something .. love…

Then it hit me, yes we do agreed we were just going to be friends with benefits. But we’ve been so passionate and care about each other and we’ve shared our deepest dreams or frustrations, apparently it is growing deeper and we realized it. He said that we had to break up because if we keep going and knowing we can’t be together it would just get harder to break up.

I was speechless, we looked into our each other’s eyes for a long time, no words.. Then he kissed my forehead and asked to leave. I opened the door for him and gave him a big nice long hug. I kissed his neck many times, look at into his eyes..

"I gotta go Naomi.."
“I don’t want you to go…” I told him.
He smiled, kissed my forehead and said, “I will see you again..”

Am I going to see him again? It hurts but I am glad I said it. Like what I said many times, friends with benefits: ready to get hurt by something you don’t even have in the first place….

Hi. I miss you, a little. No, actually I kind of miss you more than I intended to. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe you are missing me too. I don’t know what’s going on between us and I don’t know what you are thinking. I wish I did. It would make things a little easier for me. I would know whether to stay or to leave. Because I know it’s my place to go but I still hope you’ll ask me to stay. I’m not sure if this is considered a fall out but this silence is killing me. And what’s worse is not knowing why we stopped speaking in the first place.

Remember when I told you I wasn’t very good with words, especially in real life? Like I didn’t know how to express myself to you because it was just all kinds of nerve wrecking to me. So I thought if I write a letter, it’d be better because at least then, I can get some things off my chest regardless if you read it or not. A part of me hopes you’ll read this, a part of me hopes you won’t.

I’ve been spending all of last week wondering what made you stop talking to me. Like, was it something I said or something I did? Or was it just because you are no longer interested? I know feelings change, I get it; but don’t you think it’s only fair that you’d let me know you didn’t want to see me anymore? I’ve been lying in bed every night, wondering what the hell changed and I can’t seem to figure it out. I have come up with so many theories and excuses but I just can’t find the one that seems to justify my quench of curiosity.

I cried one night, or two but I don’t want to tell you the details in this letter. Because I’m not sure you deserve to know.

It literally kills me that I feel this way because I never meant to like you this much in the first place, and I never thought that you would just cut me off either. I don’t know what hurts more, not knowing or you leaving. I am just confused as to, why all of a sudden? I keep asking myself the same questions, over and over again and all I can do is replay scenarios in my head and trying to pick up if something had gone wrong. Maybe this is all in my head, but you cannot deny that something has definitely changed in the atmosphere.

You say you’re busy with school and work, and I get it. I really do. But how can someone be that busy to not even try? I’ve had my fair share of hearing excuses and I know one when I hear one. Being busy is what people tell other people when they are over them, when they no longer want to see them. So I get it. I know what you are trying to say. yet, there’s a teeny tiny part of me that hopes I’m wrong. Maybe I’m wrong and you really don’t mean it that way. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am just going insane. Just maybe, I am wrong.

But today I saw you. And I’m pretty sure you saw me too. And I was hoping maybe you’d stop me and say “Hi, I’ve missed you” or even, “Hello, how are you?” but you didn’t. You never even said “hey.” We just walked past each other. That really hurt. I literally felt the atoms in my body close up and my heart, physically ached. My best friend asked if you texted me after and I told her I didn’t check my phone but probably not. I didn’t check my phone because I didn’t want to know. I was trying to give you some time to make a decision. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe you would have texted because you still cared. But you didn’t, and that hurt even more. Are we not going to even say hello anymore? That’s almost like murder.

I told my friends that I was out of tears. I lied.

I’ve been thinking about this so much and there is so much on my mind that I don’t even remember all that I want to say anymore. There is so much I want to say in this letter, but I can’t write it all. And this letter has become so disorganized, but that’s okay because that’s how my mind is right now. It’s a jumble of thoughts. A web of questions. I have become so distracted and vulnerable, I can’t even focus on my homework. I would lay down in bed at 12 am and not fall asleep till 3 or 4 in the morning. You asked me if I stayed up so late thinking about you, I lied and said no but the honest answer is oh God, yes. I cannot sleep because the questions haunt me. My eyelids feel heavy and I am physically tired but my brain just won’t stop going. It just keeps running and I am so sick and restless.

Explanation. Closure. Will you ever give me one? If you don’t like me anymore, just tell me. If you have found someone else, just tell me. If you think I’m not good enough, just tell me. But you can’t hold my hands and kiss me and tell me you like me and then leave me there hanging onto nothing. You left me in the state of limbo, but I cannot figure out everything by myself. Were we nothing? I mean, if we were nothing then just tell me. I can take the truth. I hate not knowing. But don’t fool me into thinking that we had something going on, just to cut me off. I told you about my past, but you made sure to repeat it. And that is not fair.

I opened up to you. How can you make me open up to you and then leave? I think back on all the things that you said. So were any of it true, or were they just lies? Sweet talking, that was your best trait and I hated it at first but it grew on me but now, I am upset at myself for believing you. I think back on all the compliments you gave, apparently they weren’t real. I just don’t get why you had to choose me of all people. There are so many other girls out there, if you wanted to play games you could have picked someone else. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t agree to participate. I did not sign up to get injured. But that’s how it always is right?

I am mad. And I am sad. And then I am furious. And then I am hurt.
I’ve been hurting a lot recently, not that you care but I thought I’d let you know.
You really, really, hurt me.

Ming D. LiuA Letter To T (I’d put your name, but I’m not that brave)

I should reblog this because this is what I seriously have in mind. Of course not the school part, since Leo is in 40s. Gosh, it hurts…

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